Tim's Web Log #3
Thoughts and opinions of an opinionated person

Mon, 28 Mar 2005

Another SNL Comment
Saturday Night Live this week was a rerun of the show earlier in the year hosted by Paris Hilton. Even though we might give her a bit of extra time since she is hot, I think her 15 minutes are nearly up.

However, this show does have one of my favorite SNL sketches in a long time: the Phone Sex sketch. Hilton is the infomercial spokesperson for a phone sex business called Exclusive Connections: "We know what kind of guy is calling a sex line at three in the morning." Turns out each of their phone sex operators pretends to be a character from the science fiction genres that, in reality, WOULD be of interest to people who call a phone sex line at 3 AM. Tina Fey does a great job as Princess Leia, with the cinnamon bun hair-do:

Caller: Call me a nerf-herder.
Fey: Know what you are? You're just a stuck-up, half-witted, scruffy-looking nerf-herder!

Amy Poehler is a Level 8 Dungeon Master:

Poehler: What's that, baby? You're a Level 5 Chaotic Evil Half-Orc? Oh, that makes me so hot. I'm a Lawful Neutral Druidic Monk with +5 melee range, Boots of Levitation, and big, sharp Vorpal Sword. I want you to cast a saving throw, baby! Cast it!

Rachel Dratch is dressed up like a Lord Of The Rings elf:

Dratch: You've been a bad Hobbit, haven't you? Bad Hobbits go straight to Mordor.

This whole sketch was dead-on. I laughed until my sides hurt. I know it was just a sketch, but I can't help but think this concept would make a fortune in the real world.


Wed, 23 Mar 2005

South Park
WOW. I watched a new episode of South Park tonight. The episode focussed on the boys trying to become talent agents. As their only client, they gain a Chinese woman named Wing, who does dreadful renditions of "classic" songs like "Morning After" and "Dancing Queen". From the sound of the voice, I assumed that it was one of the two creators singing nasally in falsetto.

Then, just after the credits, they put up a slide suggesting that folks go to www.WingMusic.co.nz to find out more about Wing and her music. I assumed it would be a joke site, so I popped right over there.

Much to my shock and surprise, this woman is a REAL PERFORMER. She is a real Chinese woman, now living in New Zealand, who has actually put out 9 CDs. Her songs are all every bit as dreadful as the songs on South Park tonight. She is clearly the next Yoko Ono. In fact, the Dancing Queen the played tonight is the lead track on her latest CD!

Even more astonishing, this woman mentions on her website (apparently with pride) that her music is being used on an episode of South Park. I cannot guess whether she is clueless as to the point of South Park, or if she actually understands that she is a model for William Hung.

My congratulations to the creative minds at South Park. That is a gag of the first division, and I use the word "gag" carefully...


Tue, 22 Mar 2005

Terry Schiavo
Isn't anyone else frightened by the "emergency" action taken by congress and Our President to interfere in the Terry Schiavo case down in Florida? Court after court has ruled that her husband has the right to make her medical decisions, and yet this poor woman "lives" on, fed through a tube and exhibited like a specimen on a slide.

Although I, personally, am terribly frightened of death, I firmly believe that people ought to have a choice. As an Oregonian, I support Oregon's Death With Dignity act. There comes a time when there is no point in going on, if life consists of nothing other than "breathing". If Michael Schiavo says Terry told him she didn't want to be kept alive by machine, who are we to say otherwise? It's been 15 years, for crying out loud! Surely it would be better to release her to finally meet her maker.

Now that the US Court Judge has ruled in favor of the husband, I hope that the idiots in Washington DC who cut short their vacations to grandstand on this topic (and I include George "W" in that set) will have the decency to feel embarrassed about it, at least in private.

I hope none of you in my listening audience are gullible enough to believe that any of the congressional blowhards involved in this scheme actually had the slightest twince of compassion for Terry Schiavo herself. This was not about compassion. This was exploitation of a terrible tragedy for the sole purpose of gathering sound bites.

Tom Delay was quoted as complaining that the US Court Judge did not follow the "will of congress". Darned good thing, too. That's why we have three branches of government. It's a good thing the judicial branch still has the good sense to come to its decisions based on civil rights and constitutional protections, rather than speeches that will look good on the 6 o'clock news when election time comes around.


Mon, 14 Mar 2005

Sticker Shock
I am amazed by the number of car owners who cannot grasp the simple concept of Oregon's car registration stickers.

Unlike some states, Oregon issues two license plates per car: one for front, one for back. When you get the plates, you are given four stickers: two month stickers, two year stickers. From then on, at renewal time, all you get are the two new year stickers.

Procedurally, you are supposed to put one month sticker on each plate, in the box labelled "MONTH", and one year sticker on each plate, in the box labelled "YEAR". This seems like an easy procedure to follow. And yet, every parking lot has at least one car that has two year stickers on the back plate, and two month stickers on the front plate. More common yet is the Einstein who gets his renewal stickers and plops them over the month stickers.

I place part of the blame on the Department of Motor Vehicles itself. The year stickers have a two-digit year, and a lengthy serial number. The month stickers are also numeric, with one- or two-digits as required. At the end of the 20th Century, it was easy to see that 98 was a year, and 12 was a month. Today, it takes a bit more reckoning ability to notice that "5" is a month and "05" is a year, although the serial number on the year sticker should be a big clue.

In fact, I sent a letter to the DMV suggesting that they might want to seriously consider either (a) switching to letter abbreviations for the month, or (b) switching to 4-digit years, because the problem is going to get worse late next year, when people starting getting month "10" and year "10".


Sun, 13 Mar 2005

Saturday Night Live
I'm just now watching another episode of Saturday Night Live. Now, I appreciate most of the current cast members; I think there is an enormous amount of talent there, and they have more hits than misses. However, someone needs to tell Horatio Sanz that he is not funny. He has no sense of comic timing at all. And while there have been some wonderful scenes on the show when cast members started to laugh out of character (David Spade losing it in front of Chris Farley doing "Matt Foley", for example), but Horatio loses it so often, he just looks unprofessional.

Fri, 11 Mar 2005

More Cingularity
But wait, there's more!

Cingular must be hiring high school kids to do their web site, because it seems to be about as robust as Michael Jackson's defense.

Every time I try to log in to their web site, I have to try three times, because the first two inevitably fail with an error saying "our site it having trouble accessing your records, try again in a few minutes".

Today, I went it to verify my list of features to make sure the "Roadside Assistance" plan is outta there. I managed to check the first two lines, but when I check the third and fourth, I'm getting a rather unfriendly and unprofessional null pointer exception from their web site:

Error 500--Internal Server Error

java.lang.NullPointerException
    at com.cingular.olam.webcomponent.servlets.AddFeaturesToCurrentPPWA.service
        (AddFeaturesToCurrentPPWA.java:284)
    at javax.servlet.http.HttpServlet.service(HttpServlet.java:853)
    at weblogic.servlet.internal.ServletStubImpl$ServletInvocationAction.run(ServletStubImpl.java:971)
    at weblogic.servlet.internal.ServletStubImpl.invokeServlet(ServletStubImpl.java:402)
    at weblogic.servlet.internal.ServletStubImpl.invokeServlet(ServletStubImpl.java:305)
    at weblogic.servlet.internal.RequestDispatcherImpl.forward(RequestDispatcherImpl.java:301)
    at com.cingular.olam.webcomponent.servlets.DispatcherServlet.ForwardToPage(DispatcherServlet.java:58)
    at com.cingular.olam.webcomponent.servlets.DispatcherServlet.service(DispatcherServlet.java:30)
    at javax.servlet.http.HttpServlet.service(HttpServlet.java:853)
    at weblogic.servlet.internal.ServletStubImpl$ServletInvocationAction.run(ServletStubImpl.java:971)
    at weblogic.servlet.internal.ServletStubImpl.invokeServlet(ServletStubImpl.java:402)
    at weblogic.servlet.internal.ServletStubImpl.invokeServlet(ServletStubImpl.java:305)
    at weblogic.servlet.internal.WebAppServletContext$ServletInvocationAction.run
        (WebAppServletContext.java:6350)
    at weblogic.security.acl.internal.AuthenticatedSubject.doAs(AuthenticatedSubject.java:317)
    at weblogic.security.service.SecurityManager.runAs(SecurityManager.java:118)
    at weblogic.servlet.internal.WebAppServletContext.invokeServlet(WebAppServletContext.java:3635)
    at weblogic.servlet.internal.ServletRequestImpl.execute(ServletRequestImpl.java:2585)
    at weblogic.kernel.ExecuteThread.execute(ExecuteThread.java:197)
    at weblogic.kernel.ExecuteThread.run(ExecuteThread.java:170)

Any web doofus should know that you NEVER expose Java errors and tracebacks directly to end users. Java supports exception handling, but these guys must not know that. Wouldn't it be fun if this traceback included information that hackers could use to break in?

So much for being a "technology company".


Cingularity
I feel like I've been sucked over to the dark side.

I've had a cellular phone with AT&T Wireless Services for 7 or 8 years. Our small company was buying its minutes through a minutes reseller (Comprehensive Solutions, Inc., formerly of Oregon City, Oregon, now apparently in Aloha). That resulted in a reasonably low monthly cost, but the extra layer of non-responsive bureaucracy meant that, for instance, I couldn't transfer my phone number to another carrier. This was not helped by CSI's apparent corporate policy of not answering the phone, responding to answering machine messages, nor replying to e-mail.

Meanwhile, my wife also had an AT&T Wireless Services cell phone on a "family" plan with her monther and our daughter. We've wanted to transfer my phone to the "family plan", but couldn't get the reseller to respond.

Thanks to a major screw-up on the part of the reseller, I was finally forced to take some action in February. All I wanted to do was buy a new phone and add it to my wife's plan. Turns out that is impossible. All of our phones were CDMA, and you can't buy a CDMA phone today. Further, you can't add a GSM phone to a CDMA phone plan. That means, for me to get a phone, we have to replace the three other phones in the plan.

FURTHER, to stay with AT&T, we would give up any right to the phone hardware subsidies that make the phones affordable. Strangely, however, if we transferred to Cingular, we COULD get the phone subsidies, even though AT&T and Cingular are now the same company.

So, that's what we did. We transferred from the comfort of AT&T to the unknown land of Cingular, with 4 new phones. During the sign-up period, the representative at Good Guys told us there was a promotional offer for two free months of their "Roadside Assistance" coverage, which would start costing $3 a month in the third month. I didn't want that, but he said there was NO WAY FOR THE RETAILER TO DISABLE IT. That's a bad sign.

We've had the phones for a month now, so I decided to go to their website and cancel the roadside assistance. Here, I find one of the most annoying things you can find on a commercial website: they have a brightly-lit website where you can ADD services, but there is absolutely no spot for REMOVING services. You have to call their customer service number.

That is incredibly irritating. You can almost hear the marketing grunts in their meeting: "if we make it hard for people to remove services, maybe they'll probably just give up and we can keep on taking their money!" That kind of thinking implies that I am too st00pid to figure out how to use the telephone.

Get a clue, Cingular. If you are going to allow me to manage my account online, then you need to allow me to MANAGE my account online. There's no way I'm going to experiment with new services if there is no easy way for me to remove them later.


Thu, 10 Mar 2005

Rachel Scdoris
Oregon native Rachel Scdoris is currently in Alaska, running the Iditarod sled dog race. Just competing in that race is a remarkable enough achievement, but Scdoris faces an additional challenge: she is legally blind.

Now, I don't want to minimize the challenges she has faced and overcome in her life, and I certainly do not think she should be denied any opportunities that would be provided a fully sighted person. However, there is something about this that bothers me.

To help her get through the race, Scdoris is accompanied by a prompter, riding ahead of her on a snowmobile, calling out directions. That's not fair. One of the big obstacles in the Iditarod is the terrible loneliness caused by the complete isolation one feels when surrounded by hundreds and hundreds of miles of absolutely nothing but snow. Most of the mushers experience hallucinations during the race, some of them severe enough to cause breakdowns. Scdoris will not have to face that. She knows there is companionship available -- another human being within a few feet who can help out in any emergency situation.

I don't care if she never talks to the prompter. I don't care if she doesn't even see the prompter for miles at a time. She knows the guy is there. That is an incredibly important advantage that the other mushers will not have.

I understand that the current results have her well down in the pack (something like 70th out of 75), so there is little chance that this advantange will affect the outcome, but the fact remains that she isn't really experiencing this race in the same way as the other mushers.


Tue, 08 Mar 2005

Tonya Harding Rides Again
I just read a most amazing web site.

Tonya Harding, Oregon's reigning queen of trailer trash, has announced that she will be participating in a professional wrestling match with a transvestite. This, of course, is entirely in character for Tonya, but this is NOT the "most amazing" thing I want to share with you.

In honor of that announcement, "The Edge," which is the daily humor section of the Oregonian, is having a contest where people can submit up to 3 Tonya-related limericks. I found it difficult to stop at only three.

Before I submitted my limericks, I wanted to check the spelling of her name, just so I made no mistakes. In Googling her, I came across Tonya's own personal web site, www.tonyaharding.com.

The web site includes a couple of nice photos, but there are two things on there that I find most amazing. First, she actually claims to be "the most influential person in Figure Skating", AND the second most influential person "in all sports history, second only to Mohammed Ali".

Can you imagine THINKING such a thing, much less posting it on a public web site? I'm completely agog.

Adding to the fun, later on there is a quote from an Oregonian interview in which she outlines her lofty goals for her life. She wants to make enough money from boxing, she says, to "go hunting and fishing, and every once in a while put on a really pretty dress and go to dinner at a place like Applebee's or something."

Now, wouldn't you think that the second most influential person in all sports history would be able to aim a little higher than Applebee's?

I want to feel sorry for Tonya, really I do. But every time the flame of publicity is just about to flicker out, she herself dumps another gallon of kerosene on it.


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